So, I have this friend who has this guy that is absolutely crazy about her. He thinks that she is the best thing since sliced bread. If you asked him, he would swear that she has been sent straight out of heaven. He pays her wonderful compliments; desires to treat her like the queen she is; and promises to do everything in his power to make her happy. He tells her all the things that a woman wants to hear. As she was telling me about this guy, I then turned to her and asked, “What is the problem?” She proceeded to tell me that he was too “nice”. Burdened by the feeling of confusion I continued to probe for a further explanation. She continued to suggest that he was nerdy, didn’t have an “edge”, boring, and she didn’t find him to be physically attractive. Basically, think of him as a modern-day Steve Urkel. Once she further explained where she was coming from, I told her that I understood her concern. However, as I continued to think more about what she said I realized that her perceived problem wasn’t a problem after all. I became irritated by the judgment and disgusted in knowing that I once subscribed to the same ideology. Then I started to think why women automatically dismiss men based off their appearances more than who they are? Women are so quick to turn down a “nice guy” but so quick to turn to the wrong guy. A nice guy isn’t what the name suggests. There are more contexts to that label.
First, let’s define what a “nice guy” is.
Nice Guy (n): A nice guy is a male who is perceived to have a limited personality, dry, boring, and often described as “lame”. He is very sweet, kind, caring, and thoughtful, yet he appears to have no backbone.
Reading the definition of a “nice guy” he doesn’t sounds so bad, right? Well to women, wrong! Women want someone who is smooth, mysterious, charismatic, handsome, funny, fashionable, and sexy. Allow me to give you a few examples of “nice guys”:
Screech from Saved By the Bell
Steve Urkel from Family Matters
Carlton Banks from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Do you get where I am going with this? Now think of these characters and what they represented. Although there are some women that are more attracted to men of this depiction, I am willing to bet, most women aren’t.
Writing this blog reminds me of a conversation that I had with a guy friend of mine last year where we discussed this very topic. He asked me, “Why do women prefer to date a man who tends to do them wrong versus a nice guy like me?” Basically, why do women want to date Victor Cruz and not the Waterboy? The answer I gave him was honest and strictly from my perspective. I said something like this:
Women are conditioned to the functionality of romantic relationships very early by our parents, personal experiences, and the media. The media often displays something very different from what we see at home. The media shows a man being head over heels in love with a woman, going to the end of the earth to earn her love, saying the most romantic phrases, and sweeping her off of her feet. The man who is doing all of this romantic gesturing is someone who looks like Brad Pitt or Will Smith. “Nice guys” are often depicted as nerds or geeky. In movies they are seen as the “underdog” and are often unattractive.
Every woman wants a “Happily Ever After” and we all have our minds made up about what that looks like. The man that we spend our life with is someone with a job, no kids (preferably), money in the bank, fine as hell, and can kiss the panties off of our butts. “Nice guys” (as we are conditioned), can have a job and probably does have plenty of money in the bank, but does not stimulate the same level of attraction to a woman as our beloved “knight in shining armor”. That is one theory.
Another theory is that women attract what they see within themselves. If a woman grows up thinking she is unworthy, use to men not honoring her heart, and finds herself in one unfulfilling and somewhat abusive relationship after the other, she is not going to know how to respond to a “nice guy” when he comes along and actually treats her like a lady.
If you are a guy I am sure that you are just as confused about this as I am writing it. However, it is the truth and a double standard. Men would rather have a woman who looks like Jennifer Lopez versus American Ferrera (I think she is gorgeous) or Gabrielle Union and not Gabby Sidibe. Men want women with confidence, exciting, and give good sex. Not a woman who may be slightly timid, shy, and celibate. There are all types of variations to a “nice guy” and a “sweet girl”. But regardless how you define it, let me attempt to get you to change your thoughts.
You should be attracted to whoever you are in a relationship with. I am not suggesting for you to be with someone out of pity or look at them as a charity case. They deserve happiness and someone who is going to love them for who they are as much as you do. However, ladies, if what you are attracted to a man who only has a certain amount of money looks a certain way, and who is cosmetically worthy enough of your time, then I will say to you that you are not cultivating a genuine relationship. I want to urge you to only give so much attention to things about a man that can and will fade, but focus on the beautiful creation that could be a blessing to you despite the external package. This “nice guy” could be everything that you’ve ever wanted. Also, think about it like this, someone has to give you a chance too. You have a lot to offer, right? You are a good woman. So how would you feel if a guy was judging you the same way you are judging the “nice guy”? You can say that you would be cool, but it would still be unfair.
Men, that big booty that you are chasing will eventually get flabby and lumpy; her long Indian hair is probably weave; that slim body won’t be that way forever (unless she got good genes); and those boobs that you love to honk and drool over will become saddle bags at some point.
So my question to both, men and women, when the beauty fades, what will you have?
“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.”
― Kahlil Gibran