Hello. I know that you don’t know me so let me break the ice by introducing myself. My name is Nicole and I am the woman responsible for the content of this blog. I hope that you like it. I live in Cincinnati, I have 2 dogs, I’m an Aquarius, and I hate bowling. I have lived, I have loved, and I have had my heart-broken, more than once. I am willing to bet that you are going through a terrible heartache right now or it is something that you have gone through as well. I’m sorry for that. I know how hard it is to get through a break-up and begin to mend that broken heart. But I want to tell you something that you may not see now or even find hard to believe and that is you will get over it. Go ahead, cry a little harder. Cry until you feel that your lungs are going to collapse and your tear ducts are going dry. It’s healthy. It’s healing to the soul.
I remember so many nights that I cried myself to sleep and would stare at the ceiling and began to question so many things about life and even myself. I would constantly think about what I did wrong and wonder if I made a mistake. I completely would forget about the situation that brought me to the point where I was. I forgot about the lies, the disappointments, the shortcoming, the lack of appreciation, and someone not treating me up to my worth that I began to wonder, “Why me?”. ” Why did I have to go through that break up at that time with that person? Why couldn’t I just do this and why couldn’t he be just that?”. So many questions swarmed my head and they left me feeling more upset and frustrated.
Now I know what you are probably thinking. You’re probably thinking what in the world do I know about your situation and/or your situation is more significant than anything that I could have ever gone through so I just don’t understand, right? Wrong. How to get over heartache isn’t determined on the measure of bull shit that you went through. The process is still the same. The change of thought is required no matter who you are and what the situation was at hand. So you been together for 3 years, you had a kid together, you lived together, you knew his mom and he knew your family, he was the first girl you brought home, you made plans to get married, you brought him to God, you helped him clean up his credit, you bought his clothes, you took care of him, you paid his bills, he was your first, he put it on you like no one else ever has, you were engaged, he was your first in so many ways and you experienced so much together how could I possibly know your situation and what you are going through? The fact of the matter is, I don’t need to know the details. But I am going to tell you two words that are simple in the English vocabulary that combined will give you the push that you need to press forward. Are you ready? Are you sure? Those two words are…SO WHAT?
So you have history and shared some pretty significant times together? SO WHAT? You guys have been together for years and experienced things that you will never experience again? SO WHAT? BIG FREAKING DEAL! I am not meaning to come off insensitive, I am telling you what I wished someone would have told me. In my journey through heartache and pain, I have realized that part of the reason that getting over someone is so difficult is because we hold on to the significant moments too much instead of simply looking at them as life experiences. When we do this we are only placing that person on a higher pedestal that they don’t deserve to be on. Regardless if he was a notorious liar, abusive, cheated on you, or was simply incompatible, when you hold on to the words that they told you (I will never love anyone else the way I love you), when you keep in the forefront of you mind the things that he would do for you (take you to fancy restaurants), or when he would make plans for the two of you in the future (having his babies and his last name) you are disallowing yourself to see the situation for what it is. Men are naturally good at that and as a result they are able to move on more quickly than women. I’m not saying I agree with their methods, just telling you what I have noticed. Anyways, you have to stop doing that. Stop spending so much of your time in the space of questioning where your relationship went wrong. It simply wasn’t the right person for you and that is great! Go ahead, smile for me. This is good news my friend. I promise.
Also, I want you to really try to not talk about this situation over and over. Share it once with your girls, have that one good cry, and let it go. When we continuously talk about situations that harbor some negative feelings we keep those emotions alive and they continue to manifest in our spirit. You don’t need that. Stop talking about it over and over then you begin to over analyze the situation, which does nothing but create added emotion. Stick to what it is. You loved, it didn’t work, and life goes on. I’m not saying don’t grieve and just to get back out there and keep it moving. Take your time and go at your speed. Spend some time with yourself to rediscover who you are after this experience.
Writing this letter causes me to go back in time and remember what I went through with my most recent relationship. It has been over for quite sometime but still we were still “being in love” until about 6 months ago and I had to go through that grieving process all over again. I even sought out counseling. That’s right I go to counseling and it is the best grown-up decision that I have ever made. Talking my emotions out has helped me gather my thoughts and put things in perspective. Also, to have someone who doesn’t know me from a can of paint to help me through my emotions has been great. I recommend trying it if you haven’t already. If you are not comfortable with counseling that is fine, but here are some do’s and don’ts if you stand a chance of moving on.
1. Lose contact with him. You cannot go back and forth trying to figure out where you went wrong. Have that one conversation and say things that you have never said before and put it all out on the table. If at the end of that conversation it remains that you are not in a relationship, don’t call, don’t text, un-friend him and mutual parties on all of your social networks, and don’t email one another. You need a clean slate. Welcome to the first day of your life without him.
2. Do remove all memorabilia that you have of him. Take those pictures off the wall and from Facebook. Don’t continue to sleep in his T-Shirt because the smell reminds you of him. Also, don’t continue to read those letters that he sent you trying to figure out where you went wrong. Just stop! Put all of those things away and let it be.
3. Have one good cry. I mean that deep from the bottom of your soul cry. I’m talking the pit of your stomach is on fire cry and leave your relationship where it will remain. In the past. Sure you may get teary eyed when you hear certain songs and that is okay. But cry one good time, get strong, and move on.
4. Date your friends! Go out and stay busy. Do as much as you can handle. Everything you wanted to do but you didn’t because you were sitting around waiting on him and trying to figure out what he was doing, do it now! You have no one but yourself. You can do whatever you want to do. I think the entire month of February and half of March I was drunk and out partying. It was the best time of my life. I even meet some guys in the process. You may not be ready for that but have fun but be safe if you decide to do the nasty, which I don’t recommend.
5. Tell your mutual friends and family to respect your space. Tell them you don’t want to hear about him and you don’t want to talk about it. You have to cut that person off in every angle as much as you can. Hell, block him from your phone, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, or whatever else he was on. But don’t stalk him. Don’t go on his page trying to find out what he is doing. You aren’t letting go if you do that. Just consider him as somebody that you use to know.
6. Simply move on. Don’t go back, don’t wonder, don’t get curious, and always remember what got you to the point that you are today. Don’t over analyze and wonder what he is doing or thinking. It isn’t worth it. At the end of the day, it doesn’t even matter. You are never going to know and I promise in a few months you are not even going to care. But you have to give yourself that space to figure it out.
I know it hurts and I don’t know if this letter helped you at all. I wanted to share with you what I have learned and I have to say I feel so much better. I get stronger everyday. I care less more and more every day. What we were and all that he meant to me was nice while I had it, but now its time for me to give myself to someone who deserves it and someone who is on the same level that I am on. You are beautiful. So your goal should be to want to be with someone the way that God see’s you. Some men can only see so much in a woman because they don’t see that much in themselves. But that isn’t your problem. Its his. Some men only realize what they have when its too late. But you can’t wait for that day. You can’t wait around for him to come to his senses. The past is used as a point of reference for what not to do in the future.
So chin up home girl. I promise you will make it through and you will wonder what the heck took you so long to get to this place. You are beautiful and you are worthy of having the best possible love. Cling to what makes you strong. Know that love is still out there. Don’t let someone take away what they weren’t worthy of receiving from you. Your are beautiful. I don’t have to see your face to know it :-). I’m here if you need me.