For Men Only…
The other day I was talking to one of my good male friends about his relationship. He was explaining to me how there are some areas that he would like to see improved before the “m” word becomes a possibility within their relationship. He also told me how his girlfriend asked him a strange question over dinner. The question that she asked him was, “Could you see your life without me?” I can see the stinging in your faces because I gave the same reaction. He answered the question the way that most men do, honest and straight to the point, “Yes and No”. Apparently, that answer did not go over well with his girlfriend, which surprised him. He was being honest, right? With his confusion to her response, he and I had a very productive conversation about if he was right or wrong for the answer that he gave.
I am going to try to stay as objective as possible.
Okay, first of all, let me say this to you men, when a woman asks you a question where the answer requires reassurance on her end, it is a set up. For example:
Do you need me?
Am I the only woman for you?
Do you see your life without me?
Where do you see our future going?
Am I necessary to your life?
Those types of questions, fellas, are designed by us women to get you to express your deepest emotions and feelings to us. You must be very careful about how you answer these questions. My dear friend gave an honest, healthy, and straightforward answer, “Yes and no”, but what his girlfriend probably heard was the “no”. Now to his defense, I get it! Men are not the best communicators in words or, sometimes, actions. So the answer he gave her threw her for a tizzy. Perhaps a better response that he could have given her would sound something like, “I would love to have a life with you. I do love you. But there are some things that I believe that we should work on before we commit to spending the rest of our lives together”. That statement says exactly what he said but in a language that she could understand. That statement could have also led to a productive conversation about how he sees their relationship and what he would like to see changed, which may have led to results. Instead, she shut down and is now wondering her place in his life.
Fellas, when women love a certain way, we expect for it to be reciprocated with the same amount of enthusiasm and excitement. Now I know there are some women reading this article as well, and what I have learned through my relationships and several conversations with another male friend, “Scooby Doo”, that men and women love very differently. Men will never rise to the level of consideration that we would like to see. They will fail almost every time. That doesn’t mean that men don’t love us, it simply means that it is almost innate within them to be as such. Just like it is innate in women to be sensitive, to be nurtures, to be considerate, and to over analyze everything a man does and/or says.
Men what you have to understand is that there are two parts to a woman. There is who she is and what she is. For instance, as Nicole I hate going to malls, I hate cheesy romantic movies, and I love puppies; but as a woman I am sensitive, I cry at some of the dumbest things, I over think things, and I am a slight romantic. Cater to who she is but don’t lose sight of what she is. Make sense? So when your woman asks those questions, be honest with her, but don’t bruise her in the process. If you are in a serious relationship, you have to be cautious of what you are building into that woman. The words that you choose can send her the message that she isn’t worthy or essential. I know it sounds like a lot, but if you care for who she is, with or without you, then you will be more mindful about how you communicate to her.
One last thing to consider, if a woman begins to ask you those questions, then what she is looking for from that answer, is not being shown or given to her. She doesn’t feel what she is seeking. A woman’s intuition is very powerful. We feel things from those whom we are connected to without it being seen. There was a reason why my friend’s girlfriend asked him that question. As I explained to him, she feels a shift within their relationship and she needed some validation to prove that it was wrong. Perhaps a follow-up question that my friend could have asked to his girlfriend was, “Do you not feel that I need you in my life?” This would have done a few things: It would have taken the pressure from him to give an answer, he would have avoided being seen as the bad guy, and it would have given her the opportunity to explain where that question came from.
There are so many complexities within both sexes. There are things that neither of us will ever understand about each other. But if there is one thing that I would like to say to the men, a good woman is hard to find. A relationship is more than date nights, weekly sex, and talking on the phone. If you really care about someone and want to grow with them, then you have to put yourself aside for her (as she must do for you) and start to see her as a partner. You have to build into one another what you want to see that person become. This does not guarantee your relationship will go the distance, but you know that you have taught that woman something about her self-worth and treated her with the utmost respect.