As I approach the end of my twenties, I sit and think about the loves that I have experienced and the lessons that I have learned. And although there are certain things that I will miss, there are several things that I won’t such as the feeling of inadequacy, not being appreciated, being used as another conquest, taken for granted, the feeling of unworthiness, not being seen, being disappointed, lied to, and abandoned. Not to mention the terrible “first time” sexual experience that only left me in pain for weeks, feeling terrible afterward, and afraid that I will never experience that “feels so good” factor. It took a while, but eventually I got there (thank goodness).
I like to think about all of my past relationships as lessons. Lessons that have shown me a lot about myself, what I need, what I want, and what I don’t want. And just like any lesson in love and in life, they change you and how you see things. And I see love as something that isn’t promised to you no matter how much you chase it and no matter how you much you think it’s deserved. Love is an experience, not a guarantee.
So as I look back on my years of having love and giving it my all, as I remember the sweet kisses, the hugs, the cuddling, the…well…you know (good & bad), the tears, the pain, the heartbreak, the disappointments, the painful breakups, the lies, the cheating, the deceit, the laziness, and the pain of those relationships, I drop them where they are and where they will remain…in the past. My twenties is a decade that I hold valuable and will be used as a reference of what not to do and fall for in the future.
So I will end with this prayer:
Dear God,
“Help me to see the worth of myself; and let it satisfy me and make me whole only making the next man that I place in my life as complimentary, but not essential to my worthiness. Let him be fine, smooth, charismatic, a cry baby, sentimental, romantic, a go-getter, compassionate, a missionary, a hater of all hatred and evil, genuine, a free giver, a chaser of love, a man who can bake, a body like Boris Kudjoe, a swagger like Barack Obama, a sense of humor like Will Smith, a giving heart like Brad Pitt, and teeth as white as Taye Diggs. Let him love me freely, dangerously, wildly, and uncontrollably and let him see your grace in my tears of joy and your honor in my smile. Let him roll out the red carpet wherever we may go because I am apart of your creation and he sees me in your eyes, which will only make him love you and chase you vigorously because he is amazed at the beauty that you are capable of creating. Please prevent me from experiencing such pain as I have in the past. Guard my heart from nonsense and ill intentions. Bless this next decade that I am embarking making it full of romantic surprises, career successes, great friendships, more partying, more traveling, and freedom of my student loans that someone is going to pay off for me somehow. And could you please make sure that he, whoever he is, can cook as well please? Just not better than me”.
Amen
