I have known my best friend, Dayana, for over 10 years (too damn long). She and I have seen each other at our very best and our very worst, yet we have both managed to remain completely in love with each other (I don’t mean in an intimate way). She is my rock. She has helped me through so much and knows just about everything about me. I heart her! Although she is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, she is also the most annoying person that I have ever met. I mean seriously! Try getting to know this short creature and I promise you she will talk you to death, she will correct your grammar, and she makes up the worst jokes in the world. But, that is my girl!
Of course in our friendship, we have discussed several matters of the heart and matters of our libido. We have secrets that will never leave us but I too gave her permission to ask me questions about my love life (or lack thereof) and matters of the heart. My last “sex” article, “Case of the Ex”, was wildly popular and I have received several compliments about the article. Apparently it made people wonder what some of their ex’s would say about them. I was highly encouraged to do another article following the same format. It was recommended to use a different “ex”, but I don’t talk to them really. I don’t even know what they are doing now. So I thought it would be interesting for the person who knows me best in this world to ask me a few questions. I am here again, putting myself on the chopping block. The things I do for my audience.
DD: If you date a man once in the past, would you ever consider reopening that door again? Why or why not?
BS: First of all let me say, I don’t appreciate your professionalism about this right now. I just had to put that out there, Barbara Walters. But back to the question, hmm, It depends on the growth of that person and if it makes sense. When you leave a relationship people tend to grow in different directions because they experience other things. I think it is rare for two people to separate and come back to each other and it is better than before. Especially if there were some unresolved issues in the past. So it would be almost difficult to have a new start with old baggage and then you have to make up in your minds if you want to even deal with that baggage. It may be best to keep things the way they are.
DD: Considering foreplay, what would be a turn off? A turn on?
BS: You’re nosey. I turn off would be for a guy to start dancing sexy in front of me when he can’t dance and be dead serious. Then as he is dancing he pours baby oil all over his body. Gross! If a guy start to talk too much in the midst of the moment is a turn off. Like I don’t mind pillow talk, but I don’t want to have a full conversation. It’s too much. Say stuff like “you’re so beautiful”, “your so sexy”, or “you turn me on” (and I’m keeping it PG13 right now J) and let’s leave it at that. No need to ask me how my day was. It isn’t the time for that. Another turn off is moving too fast, too soon. If I want a guy, he will know. There is no need for him to push his luck. That could take things from an 8 to a 0. Go at my pace.
Now, turn ons. Hmm, men with confidence is a huge “sucker fall” for me. When a man knows that he knows what he is doing and just how he carries himself, is an immediate teaser for me. I love when a man doesn’t have to say much to make an appearance. That drives me nuts! OH! A man who can bake! Not cook, but bake! Man o man, you are bound to get places with me if you can bake. Being attentive is another turn on. A man can be confident but don’t ignore me if you are feeling me, make sense? Find a smooth way to let your feelings known. This is the last one, I do like when men are a little aggressive. Tell me what to do, in certain situations, and you got me. I’ll leave it at thatJ.
DD: If you could, what would you go back and teach Nicole from 10 years ago?
BS: Man that is a good question Day. I think I would tell 19-year-old Nicole to be sure of yourself, don’t apologize for who you are, and don’t feel bad if people don’t like it. I think I would also tell her not to compromise the essence of her being to appease others. Just be, basically. I was so insecure and naive at that age and I was raised in a very strict household so I didn’t know a lot about the world, how to communicate to people effectively, and how to discern who to have in my life versus not. I learned a lot of that on my own. I was so afraid to cause conflict and I wanted to please everyone. I hated when people were mad at me or a boy didn’t like me. So I altered parts of me to fit others standards without appreciating the fabric of who I was first. Now I’m not saying that if you are an asshole to stay an asshole. You have to learn how to be polite and adapt to others of course, but there are certain things about everyone that is authentic and should be appreciated versus scolded. I would also tell her that you are going to be a food blogger when you grow up so start now.
DD: I have seen you heartbroken several times but you have always seemed to get over it, what do you think helped you move forward?
BS: Time heals all wounds really. At the time it is hard to understand that even if you have been through it before. But it is true. Being disappointed and hurt sucks, but you move on. The great thing about women is that once the pain is over, it’s over. Most of the time, we don’t go back to the same b.s. I try not to suppress what I am feeling. I just feel it and let it burn. Eventually, I get over it.
DD: You tend to gravitate toward men with a lighter skin complexion. You also tend to gravitate toward athletic build or “skinny” men. Could this be considered your “type”? Do you have a type? Explain.
BS: Okay for the last time, I do not have a type! It is not my fault that the El Debarge’s of the world are attracted to us Gabrielle Union’s. I will say that I do have a thing for tall and fairly slim guys. But that is because I am a tall girl. That is not the end all be all though. I have dated guys who were not athletic built at all, tall, or fair skin. But as I stated before, as long as you have confidence, I’m good. I mean look at Jay-Z. He is not cute, but he carries himself very well and it makes him very attractive. If he wasn’t taken I would date him.
DD: I know you pretty well, so I know you aren’t looking for a serious relationship at this time. Why? What are the benefits and to being single?
BS: I am going to be 100% because I feel that those who are reading this deserve my transparency. I am not looking for a serious relationship because it freaks me out. You know all about my last relationship that I was in for nearly 8 years. There was so much work that went into that relationship, on my end, and it left me exhausted with the only return being life lessons. It took me a lot to give myself to him. Because of things that have happened in my life and things that I have seen I have a serious issue with trust, in any capacity. So to trust someone and for them to not be worthy of my trust and being left disappointed, you don’t want to go through that again. It almost seems like it isn’t worth it. So that is why being in a serious monogamous relationship now is something that isn’t on the menu. Now, if I met someone who had it all and I felt there was potential I would put my pimp hand down for him for sure! I’m not that tainted to where if I had a good man I would let him slip away. He would need to understand that it isn’t going to be easy and I may be a bit reserved and scared in the beginning but that will eventually fade. I just have not met someone who has all the components that I am looking for.
The benefits of being single are that you don’t have to factor anyone in your life, which is a breath of fresh air for me. For almost 10 years I factored someone in every life decision that I wanted to make and it was difficult because I would usually want to go left and he would go right. We never really moved forward together on most things. Now, I can do what I want and not have to worry about hurting someone feelings or even care how it may affect them.
DD: One of your pet peeves about a man is laziness. Explain. What are some of your other pet peeves with relationships and with sex?
BS: Yes! I cannot stand a lazy man. I mean a man who has no goals, no ambition, and who is just kicking the can. I can’t stand it. It drives me crazy. But I can appreciate that nonchalant attitude to an extent but you must have something that you are passionate about. If a man is okay with having a job that pays enough just keep him afloat but his passion is community service that is great! So when I say a man with no goals or ambition it doesn’t have to be career driven it just has to be about something. I also cannot, and I hope that men are reading this; I cannot stand when a man is lazy about the pursuit of woman. Don’t tell me that you want me and don’t chase me. I hate that so much. It is so annoying. If a man wants money he will kill himself by working massive overtime and may even pick up a second job to get that money, and for no significant purpose, but if he meets a woman and proclaims that he is attracted to her and that he wants to be a part of her life, but his drive for her is equal to an atheist going to church, I have a problem with that. I don’t like when a man plays games. I am a pretty straightforward person so just be straightforward with me. Pet peeves with sex? A man who talks a lot of stuff but leaves me disappointed. “Yea girl, you wont be able to handle it”, then I’m left thinking to myself, “a thimble I can handle, your too large ego for no reason, I can’t”.
DD: During sex, what would make you say “pineapples” like Kevin Heart (what would be considered going too far)?
BS: Anal sex, certain bondage, any types of showers or necklaces (.ie, Roman shower, Golden Showers, pearl necklace), furry sex, butt plugs, anal beds, nipple clamps, genital clamps, canning, fisting, beating, whipping, most BDSM stuff, anything involving animals, orgies, pretty much the crazy stuff.
DD: Do you think having a goal for marriage is correlational with healthy happy relationships? Or is it putting pressure on the relationship?
BS: That is a tough one. I think before you decide to be in a relationship with someone, they should want what you eventually want out of a relationship. I would never date someone who didn’t want to have children or get married because although I don’t want that now, I’m sure I will and I need to have that on the table. I think sometimes women date people knowing all the essentials about them up front but then they expect that they will change. I don’t play those games. If you lack faith and don’t really want something like the future I want, we can just be friends. Why would I subscribe to that type of relationship where it is most likely going to fail? That was a lesson that I had to learn the hard way.
- This article is purposely written informally.