Okay let’s finish this story, shall we?
This is where it the story gets light.
So, you’ve read how I lost my son; you read how I depressed I was, and you read how Khesani became my saving grace to opening my heart back to having more children. Now let me bring everything full circle.
It took me nearly 10 years to have another child since I lost Shaun. I went from not wanting to have children to wanting to have another child; then I when I was open to wanting to have another child I didn’t have anyone to have a child with; then I had some fun as a single person and took some time to travel and just live my life. When I met my husband, it all seemed to make sense and be clear that being a mom again was on the horizon. But I want to take the time to back up for a second and talk to you about the big elephant in the room, my relationship with God.
No, I am not atheist or agnostic. I am a woman of faith. However, it did not come easily to get back to that place. I was angry and confused about God and who He really was. I mean I knew that children died, but why on Earth would my child die? My child didn’t have any terminal illnesses, I didn’t live in a third world country, and I didn’t live in a rural or violent area exposing my child dangerous situations or people. THE IGNORANCE RIGHT?! What you have to understand is in my mind back at that time, those were the type of situations and circumstances where I would see children die. Yet here I was, had a perfectly beautiful baby and he died anyway. Without warning.
Going through that loss, I learned that death can happen to anyone no matter the age, their religion, or their background at any time. It sounds crude and harsh, but it is the truth. The Good News about living and dying in this life is that it is only temporary. I can honestly tell you that I honestly believe that this world is a small stay compared to our true residence once we are laid to rest. I do not believe that were created out of science and circumstance. I do not believe that we are here to procreate and die without purpose. We are filled with too much passion, love, hope, drive, and ambition for it to be meaningless. There are too many situations in our lives where we have witnessed or have been a part of some unanswered miracle or event that some of us would call the divine intervention for us to be breathing and walking zombies, essentially.
With that being said, I do not have the answers to why my son was laid to rest so early and I do not know, nor will I ever, if his death could’ve been prevented. What I do know is that I chose to take the lessons learned from him passing and make some good out of it. I am starting on that deed by sharing my story with all of you. I don’t know who this story will impact or if it will help anyone out there, but if you or someone you know has lost a child, let me tell you that you are not alone and I understand your heartache and pain. I get that you are mad, angry, hurt, confused, and frustrated. Not having all the answers is something you are going to have to find some comfort. You have to let it go, right now. The longer you question yourself and torture yourself with the questions of what should’ve been, you’re going to have a hard time moving on. Being okay with not knowing the questions is not giving up or copping out in anyway, it is acknowledging that you don’t have all the answers and even if you did, it won’t bring your child back.
As far as having a relationship with God, that is a tough one even for me to discuss. I most certainly went through my doubts and if I am being honest, I still struggle with God on some things when it comes to my son. But there is one thing I know, I love Him. I love Him more than I have ever loved anything thing in my entire life. My heart is filled with God and His love for me and I have so much comfort in knowing that He didn’t want this pain for me. Why did He let it happen? That is one of those questions my friend that I have to be okay with not knowing. I am not going to act like I am some “holier than thou” Christian and I go around quoting scripture because I don’t. In fact, I may be one of the few people on this planet who will tell you that it’s okay to be angry with God and you should go through those emotions. My hope for you is that it doesn’t last long. Just know, that through your frustration, you’re going to have to make a choice. You can continue to swim in the deep end of your emotion and be depressed, or you can try to move forward and (if you believe in God) allow yourself to RESET your relationship with Him.
I was afraid to have another child. I was nervous every day of my pregnancy and even now! I watch him sleep as much as I can and I am even working from home just to be close to him to know that he is okay. I am glad that I did not have another child right away. It allowed me time to heal and figure out who I was after that traumatic loss. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t miss my son or think about him.Having my new son is not a replacement for Shaun. I am the mother of two boys who I love equally. I just happen to have two different relationships with them. If you are someone who lost a child, I cannot tell you to have another child and it will all get better. It took me 10 years to have another child, but I am so happy I did. I will sit down and tell Calvin about his older brother one day, just as I am telling all of you. Although he won’t know him the way I did it is my job as Shaun’s mother to let the world know that I have two children and one of them lives in heaven ( I really believe that). So until the day Shaun and I are reunited, I will be counting the days and love Calvin and any other child I may have a bit more in memory of their brother.
Thank you for reading my story. Please share this story with anyone you know who has lost a child as it is my hope that my story can give peace and comfort to anyone who has suffered through a traumatic loss of this magnitude.